Look Who Is Talking

While I would like to believe that there are people who grow up totally free of emotional scarring, it is very hard for me to accept that individuals like this exist.  Everyone I have met seems to carry some baggage from their experiences of life.  Some wear it like a war wound for all to see, and others go to great lengths to hide the pain; revealing themselves only in their weariness in trying to keep it all inside (e.g., the life of the party who has a drinking problem).  I am not qualified to advise anyone on overcoming their inner demons.  If anything, life has taught me that negative impulses never go away.   The best most of us can hope for is to be aware of them and consciously decide to ignore their advice when it is not in our best interest.

There are two key points to be made about negative impulses and how they affect us.   First, “negative impulses” are not all bad.   For example, emotional scarring from a perceived failure often creates a competitive drive that can lead to athletic and business success.  It can also lead to recklessness, aggressiveness, and an us versus them mentality.  Second, we all talk to ourselves all the time.  Anyone who has meditated has experienced the brain’s ability to have a conversation with itself.   Our thoughts spill out of us in an endless stream of questions and answers.   Have you ever had the uncomfortable experience of meeting a mentally ill person on the street who is talking to himself or herself?   What make us uneasy is that the person is vocalizing their inner dialogue and that at some level we know that if we vocalized our inner dialogue we might not sound so sane. Think of comedians like Robin Williams, Richard Pryor, and Sam Kinison whose stream of consciousness ramblings made you laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time.

So, as we sit in meetings, have conversations with our advisors, or talk to friends and loved ones, our minds are jumping around through our personal data banks triggering ideas, thoughts, and memories.  Some of these are “good” and some are “bad;” some represent current information and others are memories of experiences earlier in life.  This leads us to the fundamental question that we must answer when dealing with difficult situations, questions, and conversation:   whose voice is talking in your brain at that moment?  Is it a mature, successful business person or your 6-year old self who was told repeatedly that you “are just not that smart?”  A friend of mine has a wonderful expression for this: “life can be pretty scary when your inner child is driving the car and the adult you is sitting in the back seat.”  If you want to see a daily example of what it looks like when an inner child is in charge, watch President Trump respond to any criticism. 

When we are stressed for whatever reason the dialogue speeds up.   This is true whether we are dealing with a difficult business negotiation, a new job, a life transition, an argument, or being stuck in traffic.   We are told to take a deep breath and try to calm our mind.   I am increasingly convinced the first step is to find out who you are talking to internally.   Calming a mature adult involves one set of tactics, but if the emotional wound that was triggered is from 20 or 40 years ago, we are dealing with a different situation.    A client of mine was involved in a potential sale of his business and the negotiations with the buyers were protracted and difficult.  The potential buyers were polite and wanted an ongoing relationship with the client, but were also constantly telling him that he did not understand his business.  The client called me up and told me he had reached a point of inner peace in that it no longer mattered to him whether the deal happened or not.    On its face, this sounded nice but with a little probing it became clear that every time the buyers challenged his understanding of his own business it was triggering a childhood “fight or flight” response.  This seemingly mature response was really his inner child pleading that this be over one way or another.   Once he realized that his reaction was being informed by a wound from his youth, he shifted his focus to what he needed from the transaction as an experienced businessman.  This allowed him to access his fundamental belief in his business model and to turn down the deal.

Being human is essentially the ability to exercise free will.   We cannot control what befalls us in the physical world or in our relationships with other people.   In fact, we may not be able to completely control what we think in our minds or say to ourselves in our inner dialogue.   We can, however, decide what we are going to emphasize and to what and whom we are going to listen.   So, when your mind starts racing and the inner voices are bouncing around, stop and ask, “who is speaking to me?”  If the answer is your mother or father, the bully from the 3rd grade playground, the person who thought you were ugly in 7th grade, any gym teacher, the hot shot venture capitalist who is on his fourth marriage, or, worst of all, some infantile, childlike, or adolescent version of yourself, calmly thank them for their advice, and inform them that you have chosen to listen to the you that exists in this moment.  If you cannot stop the voices, you can always decide that the time is not right to address an important related issue.   For example, if the voice of your long-dead, Depression-era great aunt is echoing in your head saying, “horde the money, we are all going to starve!”, it may not be the best time to discuss charitable giving with your advisors.

From my perspective, the most important aspect of this is to realize that we are not alone in dealing with our inner demons.   It is the nature of the human condition.   All we can do is try and be a little more conscious of who we are and what we do tomorrow than we were today.

Take care.

The Freedom of I Don't Know

            Every morning I scan through the Wall Street Journal and there is always a simple explanation for why the stock market did what it did the prior day.   Over several years of looking at these explanations I have come to a simple conclusion: they just make this stuff up.   On Wednesday of last week, we learned that the market went down on Tuesday due to “instability in Mr. Trump’s plans for the economy.”  At first blush this seems plausible, but if you think about it, did it really take the collective wisdom of the world’s investment community until the middle of January to come to the shocking conclusion that Mr. Trump and stability are two words that do not go together.  Last year, in one week China’s currency policy was blamed for a market loss and the same policy was credited for a market gain two days later.   You could scour the paper and not find anything that indicated that the policy changed.

            This is not unique to the financial press or the finance world; look at the talking heads on cable during the election.  This is a symptom of a larger social issue that I admit I am far from immune.  We do not want to say or hear those most frightening three words:  "I don’t know."  As a lawyer, I rarely said “I don’t know.”  Rather I would say “this requires more research;” hiding my ignorance behind a billing opportunity.  People do not want to hear “I don’t know” from their doctors, financial advisors, accountants, consultants, CFOs, weathermen, political leaders, scientists, etc.   Saying “I don’t know” is sometimes an admission of pure ignorance, but it also often an acknowledgement of the complexity of the situation we find ourselves in.  There are so many factors that could affect the result that it is impossible to truly isolate a single cause or mechanism.

            No doubt that Mr. Trump’s tweets had some effect on the stock market, but so did a mind boggling number of factors from economic conditions, individual moods, rumors, the weather, or anything else that moves someone or something to engage in a stock trade on that day.  “I don’t know” takes off the veneer that we somehow can reduce a complex situation down to a simple cause and effect equation.  Look at all the unintended consequences that result from decisions that we make, big or small.   In hindsight, it all looks clear and we cannot believe that decision maker could be so foolish.   In my experience, however, decisions are made in complete ignorance of the adverse consequences or with a gross underestimation of the nature of magnitude of these consequences.  We do not see the complexity and uncertainty because we do not want to.   We do not want to say “I don’t know.”

            In reality, the world, our businesses, our families, and our psyches are all complex entities that change, evolve and react to an almost infinite number of factors.  The challenge we face is to accept this reality.   We must start by looking at every situation from the perspective of “I don’t know” (the Buddha called this “beginners mind”).  Burdened by our desire to achieve a specific result and the accompanying assumptions required to make that possible, we see only what we want to see.  Every situation, however, can be viewed as multifaceted diamond which changes shape and color as we shift perspective from side to side.  From the perspective of “I don’t know”, there is no real choice but to look at the situation from as many perspectives as you have the time to, welcoming the complexity and ambiguity as both challenging and beautiful.

            Complexity, in the form of the way one thing effects another and so on, is awe inspiring and humbling.   In the end, we are inevitably left with the conclusion that we must choose what we believe to be the best choice that we can conceive of in the time we have, with the consciousness that there is a significant possibility that we may be have selected another option if we knew more.  Realizing that ultimately we do not know can make us more forgiving of our ourselves and others and, hopefully, more open to changing course if it turns out we realize that there may be another way.   From this perspective searching for understanding of what was missed is more important than assigning blame.

            This leaves a question.  If most decisions are complex and ambiguous and outcomes are unknown, what is the point of planning?  After all, there are sure a lot of people, like me, helping companies and families with planning.   In my opinion, there are two aspects to planning.  The first is to find what is immutable: those core values that define who we or our organizations really are.   Put simply, these are the principles that we would not compromise to achieve a particular result.  These core values vary from individual to individual and organization to organization.  Second, there is our mission and vision, these are our best guess of what we can accomplish based on what we currently know and project for the future.   This is the land of “I don’t know.”  This is a picture of the future that gives us our current bearings, realizing that we will encounter unexpected circumstances that will require improvisation and modification.  In the end, planning must be an ongoing process of acquiring information and experience and recalculating.  The danger of planning is if we become too attached to our vision.  This can cause us to miss new information or to make plans that are too inflexible to accommodate new circumstances. 

            In all we do if we know who we are (i.e., what are our core values), we can approach the future with freedom to not know the how, when, what, or why of everything that comes our way.  We then can move forward with appropriate confidence and humility, knowing that it is much easier to surf on top of the waves than to try and swim against them.

In Praise of Millennials

            One common theme that comes up in almost all strategic planning engagements is “what do we do about Millennials?”   For most organizations that are run by older people, Millennials are often described in words that make them sound like an alien species from a digital planet dropped into our formerly analog world.   The data does support the idea that the Millennial generation (age 18-35) is different: (1) they support causes more than organizations (not good for organized religions with big buildings and budgets); (2) they buy what they want and only what they want rather than package deals; (3) they have a much broader view of what constitutes success; (4) they understand the complexity of the world we live in and as such are both cautious and idealistic.    Notice I did not use the word “entitled” for two reasons.  One, idealism can often look like entitlement when you know what you want but have no idea on how to get it, and, two, as the wealth of society increases every generation will appear more entitled than the one before them.  My grandparents were farmers and merchants in the mountains of Romania with no electricity or indoor plumbing.  To them, I was the most entitled thing they had ever met.

            I submit that the real issue with Millennials is not them but us.  The world has fundamentally changed at all levels and the Baby Boomers and Gen Xers who currently hold much of the power and wealth in our country have been slow to see the effects.   After the fall of the Berlin War and the “end” of the Cold War, the world shifted dramatically.  This was first acknowledged by the U.S. War College, of all places.   They concluded that we were entering a VUCA phase.   VUCA stands for Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity.   The term VUCA became very trendy in management and leadership circles at places like Wharton and Harvard.  Notwithstanding its “term of the moment” status, VUCA is real and it describes the world we live in.   Look at the developments of the last several years: Climate Change, ISIS, Market Crashes, Race Relations, Brexit, Syria, Putin, Trump’s election, ObamaCare and the list can go on and on.   These things appeared quickly, are hard to define, are incredibly complex, and seem to evade solution.

            If you are over 40-45 years old, it is as if you grew up in a Newtonian world of cause and effect.  If you went to college you could get a good job and make a decent living.  If you went to medical, law, or business school, you would become a professional and make even more.  You would buy a car and a home, get married, have 2.1 children, vacation in Florida, get divorced, remarry, and get social security at your retirement.  Then the pace of technological change quickened along with the flow and democratization of information, while the political and economic structure that existed since the end of World War II imploded often in spasms of violence that erupted all over an interconnected world.  For us Baby Boomers, we started in Newtonian world and found ourselves in a Quantum world where the rules of cause and effect are replaced by randomness, probability, complexity, and uncertainty:  a VUCA world.  If you want to know why Trump was elected, it was because he offered to the disenfranchised the unrealistic hope that he could eliminate VUCA and put us back in the 1980s.  He even stole the hair style from the band, Flock of Seagulls (Google it).

            Millennials, on the other hand, grew up in this VUCA world.   They do not expect certainty or long predictable periods for planning.  They have watched technology change rapidly and businesses and concept rise rapidly and fall just as fast.  They have watched years of war with ambiguous goals and complex situations that defy solutions that are better than the choice of evils.  They have seen change run ramshackle through the economy making billionaires out of some and devastating the once secure jobs and professions of their parents’ generations.   We are told that the leaders of a VUCA world must be flexible, grounded, open-minded, collaborative, and opportunistic.  From this perspective, it is hard to look at Millennials as behaving in an odd or irrational way.  The move forward with all guns blazing approach that characterized prior generations does not necessarily make sense in VUCA world, whether militarily or in business.   Finding your focus among VUCA is far from easy or intuitive.  Looking at how the Baby Boomers have handled an uncertain, interconnected, complex world over the last 15 years does not leave one with confidence that we have figured this out.   We are still trying to climb out of the shambles of 2008.   It is fair to expect someone in their 20’s to have it all figured out now that the illusions of stability of our generations have been stripped bare?

            So maybe next time a client asks me about what is wrong with the Millennials, I will answer with a question.  Is it possible that we are still living and working in an old paradigm and it is us that need to wake up to reality?   I often hear people of my parent’s generation say that they do not understand the world anymore.  I used to try and explain it as best as I could, but now I have stopped trying.   The universe is an infinitely complex and beautiful and scary place that can never be comprehended by the human brain.  Any belief that we have figured it out or are close to figuring it out is a conceit that we use to feel better about ourselves.  Accepting, and ultimately embracing, uncertainty is critical to living in a VUCA world.   In this respect, I have a lot to learn from my Millennial children and their colleagues.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

         I have not posted anything in a while, despite a personal goal to write more during 2016.   As the election neared and the debate on social media moved toward a fever pitch, it did not seem like the time to write about “soul.”  After the election, I told myself, things will calm down.   Well nothing went the expected way: Trump won, the stock market went crazy, the blogosphere got even more strident bemoaning the end of days on one side or declaring an uncouth, foul mouthed rich guy from New York City to be the messiah on the other.  Looking back on my “break” from writing, I realize I made a classic mistake: I expected something to happen and was ill prepared when it did not.   There is nothing more damaging to the soul of your organization, your family, or your own wellbeing than excessive expectation.

            We all dream and fantasize and we all have expectations of the future.  The reality is that most expectations are really fantasies:  good or bad subconscious projections of how we would like a period of time to unfold.  It is all too easy for us to become attached to our expectations, and treat their failure to materialize as little deaths.  How else can you explain the post-election reactions on college campuses as anything other than a form of mourning.

            I was once told a story about a class Rabbi Noah Weinberg was giving in Jerusalem.   The rabbi asked a group of students if they had ever had their prayers answered.   A young woman spoke up and told the room that several years ago her father had a fatal heart attack.   As she, her sister and her mother stood over their father and husband who had just been pronounced dead, they all started to pray for a miracle to bring him back.  A minute or two later the machines started to beep again and a faint heartbeat was detected.  Their prayers had been answered, the man lived.   The rabbi then asked what became of the father.   She said about 18 months later he died of a heart attack notwithstanding his family’s fervent prayers.   The rabbi then asked what was different the second time.  The woman replied: “The first time we prayed with broken hearts for a miracle, the second time we expected it.” 

            This story gets to the heart of how expectations can influence our planning (personal, organizational, financial).  Expectations can lead to taking things for granted and this changes the nature and depth of our effort, often in subtle or imperceptible ways.   When the “expected” does not happen the results can be catastrophic, emotionally and/or financially.  The bottom line is that there is nothing that can really be taken for granted or assumed.   Even natural laws are under assault as Quantum Physics injects an ever-growing uncertainty into the structure of our physical world.   

            Where does this leave planning?   Is it necessary or just an act of hubris?   The truth is that it can be either.  In my opinion, the central purpose of planning is not setting goals for the future.   Rather, the essence of planning is establishing the core values that are driving you forward.   Real values are not a marketing tool to show the world how unique and trustworthy you are.  They are the core immutable beliefs that motivate you to get up and do what you do.   They are the foundation of how you analyze and respond to things.  True values are the things about you that do not change when circumstances do.   They provide the framework for how you deal with the unexpected and the essence of real planning. 

            From a bedrock of values, you can look into the future and try and set goals, understanding that this is in exercise in statistical probability: a best guess based on your current knowledge of what the future might look like.  We must try and remember that our plans are projections, a snapshot in time, and not something to which we should become attached.   When the unexpected happens, or seems likely to occur, we need to go back to our core values and remember who we are and why are here.  

              From my perspective, this is the essence of building a business, a charity, a family, or a life from your soul.

The Lesser of Two Evils

            Every day my Facebook feed is filled with pleas that I need to vote for one or the other major party presidential candidate because he or she “is the lesser of two evils.”  Further, if I vote my conscience and vote for a third party candidate, “you are wasting your vote.”  What an interesting idea: a person is accomplishing nothing if they fail to choose between two evils.   Are there really situations where the only option is to choose the least evil option?  Starving or drowning? Bankruptcy or liquidation? Mao or Stalin?  ISIS or Al Qaeda? Any of the Kardashian sisters?

            Thinking about this in a broader context than the 2016 Election, it seems to me that once something is framed as the lesser of two evils, failure is inevitable.   We have created a lose-lose scenario that must end badly.   Should we accept no win situations in our lives or our businesses?    In Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, we learn about the Kobayashi Maru; a simulation created by Star Fleet to test the character of ship commanders by presenting them with a lesser of two evils scenario.   Not surprisingly, we also learn that Capitan James Kirk is the only commander to ever have beaten the Kobayashi Maru.   He accomplishes this impossible feat by reprograming the simulation to create another option: a winning scenario.

            Kirk cheated, which would appear to be the ultimate failure of a test of character.  In reality, however, he did what all successful people must do when faced with the two evils, he reframed the problem to create additional options.   It is human nature when faced with problems and the development of a crisis mentality to react in a binary manner.    Things appear to be all or nothing and too often each of the binary options is unattractive.   It is precisely in these situations that we need to take a step back from our emotions and fears and find a broader perspective.   This starts by looking at how we have “framed” the issue.    A frame, by definition, limits options by narrowing our perspective to what can exist within the constraints imposed by the frame.   Within the rules of the simulation of the Kobayashi Maru there was no way to win, but the rules were an artificial constraint created by the programmer.   This is also true of most problems we face in life, finance, health, business and charities.

            When faced with the lesser of two evils, we do not have to play by the rules.  Among our alternatives are creating a third option by reflecting on the ultimate goal and other ways to achieve that goal.   We theoretically elect a President to lead the country and improve our society.   We could view the 2016 election as a wake-up call that we all need to get more involved in creating the society we want to live in and not delegate so much power to elected officials.  If we are faced with losing our great job or relocating to an undesirable location, we might be able to find satisfaction in starting our own business in our home town.  

            A deeper perspective might also allow us to realize that a seemingly losing scenario offers potential benefits.   A prolonged illness can be an opportunity to reflect and reassess what is truly important.

            Finally, we can look at the bad options and realize that this is a game we do not want to play anymore.    Sometimes the personal, emotional and physical costs of a career, business, or relationship are simply not worth it any more.   This is not something to be taken lightly, but if things are so bad that from any perspective we would describe the options as “evil,” maybe it is time to consider walking away or voting for that third party candidate. 

            So here we are in America facing our electoral Kobayashi Maru and we all have to figure out how we want to handle our decision.   For me, I am just trying to remember the immortal words of the great sage, Prince, who we lost in 2016:

“If the elevator starts to bring you down,

Go Crazy! Punch a higher floor.”