The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

         I have not posted anything in a while, despite a personal goal to write more during 2016.   As the election neared and the debate on social media moved toward a fever pitch, it did not seem like the time to write about “soul.”  After the election, I told myself, things will calm down.   Well nothing went the expected way: Trump won, the stock market went crazy, the blogosphere got even more strident bemoaning the end of days on one side or declaring an uncouth, foul mouthed rich guy from New York City to be the messiah on the other.  Looking back on my “break” from writing, I realize I made a classic mistake: I expected something to happen and was ill prepared when it did not.   There is nothing more damaging to the soul of your organization, your family, or your own wellbeing than excessive expectation.

            We all dream and fantasize and we all have expectations of the future.  The reality is that most expectations are really fantasies:  good or bad subconscious projections of how we would like a period of time to unfold.  It is all too easy for us to become attached to our expectations, and treat their failure to materialize as little deaths.  How else can you explain the post-election reactions on college campuses as anything other than a form of mourning.

            I was once told a story about a class Rabbi Noah Weinberg was giving in Jerusalem.   The rabbi asked a group of students if they had ever had their prayers answered.   A young woman spoke up and told the room that several years ago her father had a fatal heart attack.   As she, her sister and her mother stood over their father and husband who had just been pronounced dead, they all started to pray for a miracle to bring him back.  A minute or two later the machines started to beep again and a faint heartbeat was detected.  Their prayers had been answered, the man lived.   The rabbi then asked what became of the father.   She said about 18 months later he died of a heart attack notwithstanding his family’s fervent prayers.   The rabbi then asked what was different the second time.  The woman replied: “The first time we prayed with broken hearts for a miracle, the second time we expected it.” 

            This story gets to the heart of how expectations can influence our planning (personal, organizational, financial).  Expectations can lead to taking things for granted and this changes the nature and depth of our effort, often in subtle or imperceptible ways.   When the “expected” does not happen the results can be catastrophic, emotionally and/or financially.  The bottom line is that there is nothing that can really be taken for granted or assumed.   Even natural laws are under assault as Quantum Physics injects an ever-growing uncertainty into the structure of our physical world.   

            Where does this leave planning?   Is it necessary or just an act of hubris?   The truth is that it can be either.  In my opinion, the central purpose of planning is not setting goals for the future.   Rather, the essence of planning is establishing the core values that are driving you forward.   Real values are not a marketing tool to show the world how unique and trustworthy you are.  They are the core immutable beliefs that motivate you to get up and do what you do.   They are the foundation of how you analyze and respond to things.  True values are the things about you that do not change when circumstances do.   They provide the framework for how you deal with the unexpected and the essence of real planning. 

            From a bedrock of values, you can look into the future and try and set goals, understanding that this is in exercise in statistical probability: a best guess based on your current knowledge of what the future might look like.  We must try and remember that our plans are projections, a snapshot in time, and not something to which we should become attached.   When the unexpected happens, or seems likely to occur, we need to go back to our core values and remember who we are and why are here.  

              From my perspective, this is the essence of building a business, a charity, a family, or a life from your soul.

Navigating Life's Transitions

            Life transitions, those moments and events that seem to alter the path of our lives sending us down new roads toward an unclear future, are often accompanied by paralyzing fear that obscures the opportunities for growth.  While it is true that in every moment life is evolving and where it is all taking us is never certain, there are moments that strike us as particularly transformative for better or worse.   These are the moments when profound change is inevitable despite whatever resistance to what is happening we may feel.   These events can include divorce, loss of a job, change of career, a significant illness, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one or a good friend, or even a simple moment of self-clarity where we see ourselves as we are.  All of these events have the effect of causing us to look in the mirror and confront our fears, self-doubts, and resistance.  We feel vulnerable and often look to others for advice and guidance.

             In financial counseling and planning, there seems to be an endless supply of advisors who will assist you in a transition if that transition involves access to wealth.   This can feel comforting because it takes our minds off the internal turmoil we are experiencing and shifts our focus to external tasks that give us a sensation of moving forward and taking control of our lives.   The reality, however, is that many of the steps taken when we are in a transition phase end up becoming things we wish we had not done.   Anyone who has accepted a new job in desperation after losing a job they loved understands this phenomenon.   It is very common after the death of a spouse that the survivor starts to sell things, such as the family home, based on a need to take action and feel like they are moving forward.   In my experience as an estate planner, these decisions are often ones that the survivor comes to regret.

             What should we do when we find ourselves in transition?   Stop . . . Breathe . . . Be Still. 

 The internal turmoil is the "gift" of difficult life transitions.  It needs to be explored, considered, and accepted before we move on.   If “everything has changed,” we need to (a) understand what has really changed within us and what remains the same; and (b) how these developments affect our values and our vision of ourselves and our goals.  All the “decisions” that have to be made in a transition must be made from a place of clear understanding about where we are and where we ultimately want to be.  Taking the time to reflect on these questions is essential.  Every individual and every situation is unique and the amount of time to reflect will vary greatly depending on a host of factors.   Nevertheless, a few basic steps can be identified: 

• Step One:  Figure out what needs to be dealt with immediately because it is required.   Make a list of the things that have to be done.  Be careful to separate things that we have to do from things we think we want to do.
• Step Two:  Make a decision to ignore the list of “want to do’s” and take some time to focus on self-assessment and a vision of the future.  Prepare a list of the key values that you want to animate your post-transition life.  Take as much time as you need.  This is not easy stuff and no one knows how much time you require better than you.
• Step Three:  If you need/want it find an advisor you trust.   If you are not sure where you want to go with things, select an advisor whose compensation is not dependent on ultimately selling you a product.  Depending on your situation, you may want a counselor, a coach, a consultant, a psychologist, a spiritual or religious guide, or even a close and trusted friend.  The key point is that any advisor provides the space and time for you to develop your unique approach going forward, not theirs.
• Step Four:  Once you are comfortable with your vision and values, you can then proceed to implement the decisions you are prepared to make.

In going through transitions it is imperative that we be kind to ourselves and keep things as simple as possible.  Brooke Miller of The Honey Studio, a holistic perinatal wellness center in suburban Detroit, told me that she advises new mothers that their goals for the first year of their new child’s life is to love their child and survive.  Everything else can wait.  I thought this was a beautiful example of trying to keep things simple during one of the most exciting and challenging life transitions any one goes through.  Brooke’s advice could also apply to divorce, new jobs, starting a new business, or coping with the death of a loved one.

I created Soul of Wealth to share what I have learned about dealing with transitions and to help others through these times.  Transitions can propel us forward in ways we only dreamed about if we are open to it.   The key is not to get trapped.  As Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

Living in the Past

Let us close our eyes, outside their lives go on much faster.  Oh, we won't give in, we'll keep living in the past.

                                    Jethro Tull

Once while praying (or at least attempting to pray) in a little synagogue in Israel, I was doing my best to use the Hebrew pronunciation of my Romanian forefathers, as opposed to the modern Hebrew that I learned in school.    The kindly old rabbi of this little village, came up behind me and tapped the back of my head.   As I turned around, he said to me “Are you from Poland?” (I must have had a bad Romanian accent.)  I said no.  
“Hmm” he replied “Are your parents from Poland?”  Again I answered negatively.   He shook his head and said “Why are you trying to sound like you were from Poland 200 years ago?   Things there were not so good back there.   You are needed in the present where there is plenty for you to do.  Living in your own past is bad enough, but living in someone else’s pass is just crazy.”   I wanted to ask him if he was into early 1970’s Jethro Tull and did he know the song quoted above.  But before I could prove my banality, I realized that if I brought up a 40-year-old song, I would be further proving his point.

We find our pasts fascinating.   According to many psychotherapists, we can find in our past, particularly our childhoods, the answers for all the reasons that we are so messed up.    We can dig up things that make us smile and things that make us cry.   Sometimes our minds naturally flow back into a sea of memories, which contain much of the wisdom we rely on to live our lives, run our businesses, handle our finances, and build our relationships.  There is nothing wrong with this: it is how we develop and grow.  The past is also, however, a place that is easy to get stuck in: a seemingly comfortable place to live.   In that event, the past can become dangerous.

Nowhere do I see the dangers more than in family businesses.   It is not uncommon for each generation to compare itself to its predecessors and to react to change by looking first for what would my father and uncle do? – like a lawyer looking for a legal precedent that can define how to look at a new situation.   Owners get caught in a time warp where they find it difficult to follow their own instincts because they are living in someone else’s past.   I have also seen this phenomenon in charities, families, and individuals.   The entire concept of an inner child reflects the natural tendency to “go living in the past.”

What the rabbi was telling me was that there is only one place you can live at a time and the only place that is truly real is the present moment.   It is the only time we can make decisions in and, more importantly, it is the only time in which we can experience true happiness.   The past contains experience, wisdom, knowledge, triumphs and failures.  All these made us who we are.  If the past was really so much better than the here and now, we would know how to be content with the present moment.   That is what all my therapists have told me over the years and they must know because they have lots of initials after their names.  If we are unhappy now, then, as the rabbi said, things back there were not so good.  The future, on the other hand, is truly unknowable notwithstanding the claims of politicians, financial advisors, high school guidance counselors, and the perfectly coifed talking heads on 24-hour cable news networks.   It is wonderful to have goals and dreams for the future as long as you understand that they are not real until they are actualized in a present moment. 

This is our great challenge: to live as much as possible in the present.  I read the Wall Street Journal this morning to try and convince myself that I am a serious financial person.  It is amazing how many issues there are that we need to deal with and even more incredible how many opinions there are about what to do about it all from people whose jobs are to comment on such things but not actually do anything about them.  Kind of like what I am doing now.    Seriously, we were all put on this earth at this time in history for a reason.  As the little rabbi said there is plenty for us to do in the present.   So with all respect to great progressive rock bands of the 1970s, lets open our eyes and give in to the moment, let’s go living in the present.